105am 6/29/2010

Just tried going to sleep. Can't turn off my thoughts...again...So as my thoughts were running through my head i stopped to ponder a few key notes. I want to go back to school. After being in Fl with Nc residency, a whole year has been utterly flushed down the toilet as i will have to spend another year doing the same ole' thing to be able to qualify for government aid. And that sucks! Another thought was how i never go out anymore! I need to find the root of this problem; why i'm socially inept, scared of the "scene," why i feel i can't flirt, why i have become so shy...This is a problem i have never really conquered & being that i'm past my early & now mid 20's I'd say it's about time i get the fuck over this. Boys terrify me! I used to go to the bars and come onto any guy i thought was worth it! Wth happened to that Erika?!. Now i'm afraid to flirt with guys that i see on a daily basis - i don't get it! Do i have low self-esteem? Do i have an age complex? I feel like i should just grab one of them and kiss them, sometimes! Just to see if i still have anything remotely carefree inside my existence besides my will to complain. Maybe that's it. Maybe i need a job change like everyone else is slowly beginning to realize.. Maybe i'm surrounded by the wrong people. It's not like i have a shit ton of people to hang with outside of work, which is also why i want to go to school. Not just for the sake of bettering myself mentally, but to branch out socially as well. Because man, i am just gonna live inside this cave of mine forever if i don't! I am dying. Like, i have been killing myself for the last 10 years because i am scared of life! I really need to grow up.
I have lost all the hopes and dreams i had as a child. The things i longed for even 5 years ago seem out of reach. I know they are not. But the more time i put school off, the more those dreams seem to fade.
I've never thought of stripping but i always considered waitressing the next step down, seeing as how physicality seems to have a lot to do with how the American public tips the serving kind. And as i was watching an episode of Californication tonight, where Hank tells his stripper-student-casual sex partner basically that your body can only get you so far in life with a job, i started to realize that i can't do what i do forever. I can not be a Chili's to go girl forever! I mean, Greg has been telling me for weeks &/or months now that i should get a different job & it's true but I haven't really thought about it seriously until now..
I really don't know which direction to go still, outside of getting a different job & going back to school. When i went to AB Tech in 07 i was trying for a Web Technologies major..which i'm not so sure i want to continue. I always wanted to do creative things on computers but i never did them on my own so i thought i would go to school & learn. I feel i don't have the patience for that anymore. I feel I could still do good things with computers, i just don't think that i'm creative enough to do art with them. I never draw, even freehand. I just want things to come so easily to me. And that's not a good outlook to have. I'm sure if i was given a list of things i could figure out what i could be interested in enough to go to school for them as a career. I just know that i do not want to be a To Go girl the rest of my life.
I also know that i have become soft working at Chili's. I don't feel like i really work. That's why i always try to do other things at the job like running dish or re-filling the chips. Because actually there, i'm lifting heavy objects & feel like i'm helping the team. I think i need a job where i'm fulfilling needs like that. I will not say that i want to go back to retail, but maybe something else. something similar. who knows until i go out and see what's available?
I do like to clean. I think i may start there..
Irk out-